CRYSTALLIZE

 

Leave me. LEAVE. Leave me. Nerves CRYSTALLIZE.

I started sketching this idea right after having a breakdown over feeling used romantically/sexually. Was texting some people from some dating sites and constantly asked for images from me. Instead of having only an healthy balance of sexting and conversations as promised. And then being ignored if I don't comply. Anytime I have a sliver of hope of having even a brief thing blossom from such conversations. I only feel worse. 

I feel gross. Slimy. Disgusting. Worthless. My nervous system and mind flaring. These feelings crystallizing and giving birth to clumps of regret that leave my trail. It's a painful process. Hauntings born from my own. It makes me want to snarl, scream, growl, bark, bare teeth to anyone and everything. To need isolation. The Fly Trap waiting for a victim to suck dry just as they have done to it. Process of Elimination. Calculating and analysing its surroundings as rationally as possible. The Maws protect The Fly Trap. Protecting it from harm, protecting from others getting harmed, a scream that the Fly Trap can't do. But it's in the background. It isn't always seen or heard. Clenched fist making the entity bleed from frustration. Trying its best to get up during this mental and physical anguish. It's melting. It's trying to keep itself together. Spirals, veins, skin pulsing. Pulsing from who knows what. The body is breaking down from every end. Health worsening due to stress. It needs to stop and cut itself off from the roots constantly growing. No need to get attached.

This piece accidentally ties together with my previous sculpture "Radix me (Root me)" where it had a more pleasant mood and seeing rooting to someone as a pleasant thing. Something I long for. While "CRYSTALLIZE" tries it's best to escape from any rooting (attachment) even the tiniest bit of hope of this being anything at all even briefly. One single root nesting in will still hurt if ripped out.

I like to symbolize roots as also the nervous system. The similar patterns and shapes and pathways... A nerve attaching and being ripped off I imagine would hurt hah...

(26.05.24)